Your Unique Process
During my yoga teacher training we would do these experiential guided meditations that consistently ended with me annoyed and frustrated. I’d spend the entire meditation willing an experience that never came. I wanted to do it right, I wanted to have cool shares with the group, I wanted to feel like I was making the progress I so desperately wanted to make. Yet aside from my frustration, I had nothing to share. No visions, no insights, just the reality of my rumination.
A few years later I did my first shamanic journey. Laying on the floor of my apartment blindfolded with headphones playing the rhythmic thump, thump, thump of the drum in my ears, I was a blend of trepidation and hope. ‘Will it happen? Will I meet an animal spirit guide?’
It happened. I was so damn proud of myself I didn’t even care that I didn’t have a room full of people to share with; frustration had become celebration and, I’ve got hindsight wisdom to share.
Altered State Frustration vs Celebration
Trying too hard. I wanted it soooo bad I was clenching. Clenching doesn’t exactly leave space for flow, and flow is what the magick rides in on
Understanding being Highly Sensitive. Being able to relax in a room full of people for a human whose nervous system is hyper vigilante, well, that was asking too much back then. Alone in the safety of my apartment I was able to turn down the volume on my alarm system. As a HSH {highly sensitive human} I am constantly tending to my nervous system. If my system is in a nourished state I can usually access group meditations and journeys, but solo still tends to be easier for my sensitivity level.
Letting go. This is one of those multifaceted, much easier said than done things. Letting go relates to #1, but it also means letting go of expectation - yikes. This is a tricky one. The whole idea of the meditation/journey is to have an experience, so I have to let go of the possibility of having one...? It seems counterintuitive. Yet letting go of expectation led to trusting my experience. This one is some hard earned wisdom I sprinkle wherever I can.
Comparing my experience to everyone else’s. Oof. I’m still practicing this one. The difference between now vs then is I notice when it’s happening. When there’s a moment of pause to notice, we’re not reactive, which means we can interrupt the tape. In that moment of spaciousness I can make choices. My current choice is to name something badass about myself when I’m comparing. It’s a work in progress.
p.s. this is not a hierarchy thing, as my beloved friend says - ‘she’s the jam, you’re the jam, I’m the jam!’
Curating my experiences. The journey had so much wiggle room. It was just me and the drum. Sure, I had an intention and some general structure of how to proceed, but once the drum beat started, I was off on my own to discover and trust my experience. That’s a pretty potent gift in a world that’s keen on following the beaten path.
Perfectionism. Sheesh. Wanting to ‘do it right’ and be the star pupil…that’s a game I’m familiar with, and one that I used to think secured my belonging. Turns out, perfectionism doesn’t secure belonging, but it is a barrier to vulnerability - an ingredient helpful to diving into your inner world.
Timing. Can you believe that I can’t control when things happen? Probably not shocking, and yet, an invitation to notice if there are places you think you can control when things happen. Our systems don’t like to be forced or pressured, despite the parts that may be impatient and want everything NOW *ahem, yours truly. Yet having lived through enough experiences of 'divine timing’ I know (even if I don’t like it) I’ll get where I’m destined to go at exactly the right time. Simple, and, often hard AF to put into practice.
Trust. When your inner wisdom shows up, invite it in, build a relationship with it, give it a chance to show you just how damn wise it really is. It’s humbling to surrender the ego to the notion of your highest self, divine timing, a loving universe, and all of that stuff we can’t see or prove. Trusting that I know what I need and how to best tend to myself? Power.
Re: #8, trusting your inner wisdom doesn’t mean doing it all alone and thinking there’s a right way ← antiquated black and white capitalistic thinking, please see yourself out. My advice? Trust your inner wisdom, and know that your process is not - and should not - be someone else’s. That’s why it’s called ‘you unique process.’ Figuring out how to co-exist whilst we each live by our inner wisdom, that’s leveling up.
Have grace with yourself, wherever your find yourself. Kay?
xx,
Kerrie